A lot of that going around...

I am at an age where people seem to be squirting out accidental babies, getting married, and dropping dead (generally at an older age than the two aforementioned types.)

It's all a rather depressing experience. First of all, the cornerstones of my childhood have been whittled down into pebbles and lost completely or just changed shape and importance.

My grandparents, whom I admit I did not see overly much - just half a dozen times a year on special occasions, are not what they used to be. Three out of four have died, and the fourth one seems to enjoy teetering on a much self-imposed seesaw. I won't go into it in depth, but I just wish she would get a grip. I miss the old granny who crafted things, made scrumptious foods, gardened, braided my hair, and watched me play with wooden building sets.

My big brother, who was my idol through my kiddy years, has finally gotten married. It seems he is settling down. This is by no means a bad thing - in fact, I think it's some of the best news I've heard in a long time. It's been a pleasure to watch it happen, even if it happened so fast that I haven't fully gotten to know my new sister yet.

My little brother insists on living his own life apart from me. Gone is my "twin" and playmate. Now I have to make do on my own, and although he does try to come visit and encourages me to do so, it's not the same and it never will be. Ah well. At least I have my memories (until I go demented at an early age).

My parents, although I have rather well managed to hide the truth from myself, are starting to get a little old. (No, don't be insulted, I said starting!) Dad doesn't do cartwheels or give piggy-back rides, mother's ligaments are getting worn, and I refuse to let them exhaust themselves with excessive physical activity or carry heavy objects alone (especially in the case of my mother). What with all the death and illness going around, it's made me really have to take a deep breath and re-assess the immortality of my parents.
The same applies for my old kitty, who is pretty much deaf, and whose limp has become a daily thing instead of a periodical matter. At least her heart-murmur-induced coughing has stopped ever since she lost so much weight.

And then, there's work. Somehow, despite commencing work at an art studio which involved physical labor and creativity, I have somehow evolved into your standard office rat, creating things according to previous standards, producing a large amount of stuff in a short amount of time, but all of it looking the same. Some days I get so confused that the only way to keep track of it all is to make a bleeding EXCEL table and make tallies and marks in it as I go along.
Now, work is about to drastically change - I am a freelance graphic designer as of today. This should be good news, only when I look around in the world, there is so much damn talent out there that I don't know how on earth I'm supposed to be able to compete in any way. The same applies for my other passions - arts, crafts, writing...
In fact, I feel as though I have mostly given up on writing, and I haven't produced any proper "artwork" in aeons. I don't think I know what artwork is anymore.
The one thing that I designed myself for a private project has been a complete flop. I have not managed to sell a single of my high-quality offset art cards. Oh well. Perhaps it'll sell around Christmas instead. But it's bloody depressing to sit on a stash of 2000 cards that just aren't going anywhere. The biggest problem is that I simply haven't had time to properly market the things.

I mentioned that people are squirting out accidental babies left and right. What's going on? Is everyone punching holes in condoms and forgetting their pills? Are they prescribing to the "just pull out"-way of thinking? What is this?? It's very confusing and a little bit scary! How can it be happening on such a massive scale among people who definitely know what safe, protected sex is?

As for weddings.. well, that's alright. I can live with that. Just also happening at a somewhat scary pace - I believe that this year I shall be attending at least four weddings.

And last but not least, I am finally about to move in with someone. It won't be my first time away from home, but it will be the first time I actually have a short-distance relationship if you don't count my attempts to seduce a classmate in 6th grade or my knight in shining armor from first year Kindergarten who always saved me from the class bully.
I can't put into words how much I am looking forward to this.

10:23 - 1.7.2008 - comments {7} - post comment

Wedding details

I recently had the pleasure of attending a wedding. It was the first wedding for a family member. This was big brother's marriage to his beautiful bride.

It was an elegant but fun wedding. I loved all the little details!
The whole thing was done to a decoration theme that was white and fresh spring leaf green... which was lucky for me, as that happened to be the color of my clothing - white with light green details.

It was a great chance for me to get to meet the other half of my brother's relatives, and to get to know my new sister-in-law and her family. The poor girl was so stressed before the wedding that I thought she was going to burst into tears on the spot. But once the whole thing was underway and the live music band (brother's childhood friends) started rocking the place, she loosened up and started to boogie with the best of them.

I don't know who designed the whole wedding, but it was so delicate and pretty!


There was an abundance of drinks to choose from, not just wine and champagne, but liqueurs, punch, juice, fizzy drinks, juice, and water as well.
Alluring little cloth flower petals were strewn across the tables and window sills.


The location was unique. It was large with curious little details, such as this curtain made from antique weathered wood, old farmyard tools, and hand-painted murals.


Food was plentiful with a huge selection available for all sorts of tastebuds and appetites. The cake decoration had the traditional bride and groom in an untraditional pose... We shall have to see if it stands true or not.
The bride gown was spectacular - I'd seen it haunting a clothes hanger but it looked fantastic on the bride. I wish I had gotten a better picture of all the dainty little details.


Lots of thought had also gone into the things that most people wouldn't even see. The bouquet was interlaced with silver threads and pretty little beads that could have made an exquisite piece of jewelry on its own. I'm not a fan of hearts and pearls, but it worked with the huge, layered roses.
I especially loved the twined little flowers on the ring bearer pillow. It's a shame most people didn't get to see it properly.

The music evolved from a cheesy sort of Finnish cruise boat music into something that really got everyone out on the dance floor. Once they started rocking, people were even singing along. No one (except me - I'm such a stiff prude) cared how they looked and just had a great time twisting, rocking, waltzing, and improvising their own crazy moves. Especially the kids couldn't get enough. I don't understand how they had so much energy!

All in all, the best wedding I've been to! Great fun. I look forward to the next one... but I don't know whose turn it will be!

08:24 - 3.6.2008 - comments {8} - post comment

And out of the nothingness...

..there comes Ann-Mi! Yay, for a change, I managed to vanish and reappear yet again! Woo-woo!

Why anyone should remain subscribed to this decayed place, I have no idea. Oddly enough, I haven't given up on it yet - I still think about it weekly, but I haven't made it all the way to blogging.

So here's a little update for anyone who cares concerning travels, sketching, driving, and gaming:

1) Going traveling next week - can't wait! Will be gone for 10 days, but who will notice the difference? In fact, me being away from home might induce blogging while away instead.

2) I finished my sketchbook. I'm looking into a way of uploading it in its entirety with a fancy page-turn effect and stuff so people can peek through it as they please.

3) I got my driver's license! Amazingly, I both passed the theoretical and practical parts on my first try - don't know how that's possible considering how incredibly... mediocre I am at it all. Luckily, mediocre seems good enough and my good points made up for the bad points, and I got my little floppy piece of paper! I guess I can pick up the plastic card in over a month and then proudly display the picture of me looking zombie-like and tired with a pimple on my chin to all who wish to see my ID in shops and whatnot. Luckily that's only a semi-temporary thing.. whew.

4) Uhh... Yeah ! I nearly forgot, I'm playing Colonization again for the first time in a long time, and it's even more addictive than I recall. I thought I was worse at it now than I've ever been, but I finally finished a game and got just about the highest score I've ever gotten. They named an inland sea after me, "Spankton Bay". See, my game-name was Lady Swank of Spankton, and they name something after you depending on how high you scored.
It's a lurvely lurvely lurvely strategy game from the age of DOS when possibly the most high-tech thing you had on your pc was Windows 3.
If you don't care about graphics and want a good, brain-exercising game to wile away your time with, hop on over to home of the underdogs to check it out - there's a windows version available.

So, uh, yeah, that's about it. Banana-flies are overrunning the kitchen, but I'm trying to get my meat-eating plant to blossom again so I can give them a wonderful surprise. BUHAHAHAAAA

09:30 - 10.11.2007 - comments {7} - post comment

Compromise

Life, make no demands of me, I'm trying to write. Begone, oh distracting list of Miranda.

I've just finished reading a very good book by Frank Herbert. It's called "The Santaroga Barrier". For the first 20 pages or so, I misread it as Saratoga for some reason. Were I Jeremy, I would write something deep and meaningful about it and the thoughts about society, individuals, and all the other issues it brings up (including drugs). Unfortunately, I am not Jeremy - I am Ann-Mi, and a tired Ann-Mi at that.

Instead, I shall present you with a problem that might be from a soap opera. It is likely on the bland side, but it is nevertheless one I am struggling with. I hope no one involved objects to me presenting it here - I just wanted a fresh point of view. I know it's rather long, but I appreciate any and all feedback offered. And thus begins the rant.

This is my dilemma. I have been invited to travel to London at the end of November with two friends. Unfortunately, one of these friends is my most recent ex-boyfriend. Now, we have been 'ex' for a while now... I don't really know how long, but over two years at least, I think. I have met him since then, however. We remained exes then as well, although we got along very well.

Both of these friends are people I have not seen in a long time that I used to spend far more time with, usually conversing with or playing games with over the net. So you can understand that I have a deep longing to see them both. One of them especially remains a friend I talk with and debate with on a weekly or at least a semi-weekly basis. Finally, there is the aspect of England. Having studied there for three years, I have managed to develop a bi-faceted relationship with it. Is that a word? I don't know. I guess I should say "love-hate" relationship, but that feels far too intimate when it is mostly only an acquaintance, not a country that I have had a meaningful relationship with.
Ah. I'm cycling off. What I meant to say is that I would very much love to see the damned place again. Another argument for visiting would be the time period - Friday to Sunday, which are the days that I do not work, so in that sense it would not interfere with my "other life" here in Finland.

Now, I present to you the big argument against travel - it would make Eyal vastly uncomfortable. It would make him worried that I would be traveling with an ex-boyfriend, and this one in particular, as he is "the big one". Judging by how much I have spoken of him to Eyal, I agree. It must be the big one (no offense to previous boyfriends) or at least it currently is the big one as it is also the most fresh.

However, the fact that he is who he is is part of what makes me so ineffably convinced that nothing would happen. I've tried it, I've tested the ice, I fell in, I drowned, but somehow I survived. I do not wish to do it again. Unless some rather significant things about him were to change, it could not work. There is this old cliché that in order to love someone else, you must love yourself. In order to know someone else, you must know yourself. In order to be happy with someone else, you must.. and so on. I think it holds true in this case.

Don't get me wrong - I still care about him as much as I used to. I really do. If something were to happen to him, I would be crushed - it would be like losing a family member. But I feel the same way about the one who came before him as well, and I do not wish or harbor any dreams of anything coming from this person either any longer, and not for a long while now.

I'm very happy with Eyal. I feel, oh forgive me for the unimaginative but clichéd term, "complete" with him. It may be a worn out term, but it is true. I'm not going to start babbling like some love-struck idiot, but I have to make the point. The truth is, I do not want to lose him. He assures me that if I did travel, I wouldn't lose him - he would just feel very nervous until I got back.

I talked with one of the women I work with. She said I should travel. Eyal should be able to trust me. Eyal assures me that he trusts me, but that he does not trust my ex. I want Eyal to understand that nothing will happen - I don't want anything to happen and even if my ex did want something to happen, I'm not going to give it the chance. There will be no stupid nonsense like sharing rooms. I will not allow any kissing to occur, except possibly on the cheek in generic Portuguese politeness, but if he gets jealous from that, we have a problem in any case. (Sorry, Eyal! Good thing I don't live in France, you would have turned emerald by now if this bothers you.) There will certainly be a hello-hug and a goodbye-hug, but there will be no kinky back-rubs. There will also be a certain mutual friend traveling along for whom I have never harbored any kinky feelings (sorry J, even if you are the LotR champ, you're not geeky enough for me). So he will be there as an apron.
My work-buddy also said that if I have the faintest suspicion that I will be randomly snogging this ex, then there is no reason I should be going.

Now, I can only think of one more argument for not going in addition to the rather huge one of causing considerable discomfort and stress to Eyal - the onbringing of possible confusion. This is a reason I find rather hard to accept, as I am convinced I do NOT feel confused - I know where my heart is set, I know what my mind wants. The defense against this would be to give myself no reason to get into confusing situations. The biggest, most drastic measure, of course, would be to not travel. But seriously, am I supposed to live the rest of my life without meeting one of my best friends? It seems very harsh. I don't like it - it makes me sad. But the thought of hurting Eyal also makes me unhappy.

My heart and brain are in turmoil. I want Eyal to understand... I want myself to understand.. One of us has to make a compromise - I'm ready to make it, and I think he is too, but I don't want it to boil down to not traveling.

09:13 - 9.10.2007 - comments {10} - post comment

Scabwatch!

Today, on Scabwatch:

The scab falls off! Aaargh!

Exciting, pink, soft flesh is revealed! Ann-Mi wonders if she might yet again be ripping it open by accident! The excitement.. THE EXCITEMENT!

Also:

Glove-monster mk 1 completed. Expect preview of it when camera begins to work again. Mk 2-4 expected to be in the making along with instructions on how to make them.

Finally:

Driving lesson today in the evening! Will the sun set on the hapless beginner during the lesson? Will she survive driving in the dark? Or will she run some poor sod on a bicycle over, crash into inanimate objects, and be forced to wait 1 year before she is allowed to re-attempt getting a license?

11:17 - 4.10.2007 - comments {6} - post comment

True Love: A definition?

Pardon the cheesiness. I did an online quiz that asked me if I believed in true love. I replied no, but at the same time I know that I am truly in love. I always defined true love as (and forgive me for not putting it eloquently, but I believe the way I express the definition also portrays a certain truth about it:

like superepic love that can fly over everything and conquer all

So I quickly typed in "true love" into google, resisting the urge to see if wikipedia had an entry on it, and found an example of this superepic uberleet flyz0ring disney type of True Love.

IDENTIFYING TRUE LOVE We can only identify true love and know when we have found it, based on the Word of God. When we match our relationships up to what the Bible says that love is -- and we are honestly prepared to make a life-long commitment to that person -- then we can say that we are truly "in love." The three keys to that statement are: We have to… look at the Word of God be completely honest with ourselves understand the level of commitment that comes with true love

Ugh. It is answers like this that make me very scared for the future. It seems so overly rehearsed and brainwashed that it hurts to look at. Very Disney and naive. Then, I found this other definition. If it is indeed an accurate description of true love (not True Love), then I certainly believe in it. I don't want a threesome with God, thankyouverymuch.

I especially enjoy the points about distance, spending time with others, and seeing flaws but still loving them. Eyal, you may leave chunks of toothpaste in the sink, but I love you anyway. In any one else, it would probably annoy me. Incidentally, this second definition came from the distinctly uncool site of College Sex & Love. I was expecting to find something truly inane and stupid, but was pleasantly suprised. It also offered a comparison to infatuation.

How do you define true love, and do you believe in it?

10:19 - 1.10.2007 - comments {8} - post comment

Crash course in driving

I don't quite know how to begin this, so please allow me commence in the most clichéd way possible just to get it off my chest. "OMGOMGOMG... OMFG! AARGH!"

Today, my driving instructor took me smack into the center of Helsinki. Goodness gracious it was scary. I mean, first of all, the drive to it was awful. I went along the so-called Länsiväylä, which I guess is some sort of highway. Those speeds were scary, as I am still trying to get a grip of how wide the car actually is as well as how little I have to turn the wheel at what speed for something to happen. For anyone who is even less experienced than me, at fast speeds, the teeniest wheel-movements are felt way more than at slow speeds. In other words, since I'm used to going at a maximum speed of 50 km/h so far, when I start to turn the wheel what felt a comfortable amount then at 100 or 80 km/h, it gets pretty scary for a few moments.
And no, I'm not going to translate that into miles. Go learn kilometers, you prehistoric people

Eventually, after what I experienced as a rather teeth-grinding and fast drive, we made it into the cobble-stoned, bumpy streets of Helsinki. How anyone could drive faster than the speedlimit in there eludes me, as I could barely reach the minimum. I would have thought that people behind me would lose their patience with me and try to pass me by, but strangely enough they were extremely patient and understanding. Some even let me go first in places I would have been perfectly content to wait in. This made it bearable. For a few minutes, even, I found myself enjoying the drive. I interpreted it as some sort of strategy game. What should I do with the gear? Where should I watch? How close can I go? How fast am I going? Where should I go next?
But then my teacher started slamming on the brakes for every car that was parked too close to the zebra crossing because according to the law, if a car has stopped within five meters before a zebra crossing (even if there is no one inside that car), you must stop. I of course was far too concentrated on everything else. Urgh. What a nightmare.

Speaking of nightmares, I managed to make the car stall in the center of one crossroad. Luckily, there was no traffic there at the time and I was able to get it rolling again despite it being uphill. If there is one thing I am almost ok at, it's starting the car again and getting it moving uphill. Thank you teacher and pappa for drilling it into my thick skull.

Sigh.

I also could not quite grasp a concept involving one-way streets: When you turn left on to a oneway street that has more than one lane, you must make sure you go into the very left-most lane. Damnit. I failed that part twice, but mostly because I didn't even realize they were one-way streets. Observant I am not.
At least I didn't nearly run anyone over.... And yet again, I yielded for someone coming from the left. It is so hard for me to learn that I should only yield to the right. I mean, it makes perfect sense, but if I'm driving around being submissive to people who need to get onto the road, I find it so hard to filter out the left side.

On a positive note, I believe I have finally stopped raping the poor gearbox. By the end of the lesson, I was even remembering to switch between 1 and 2 and stuff. I am disappointed to say that on the motorway, I accidentally shifted to 4 instead of 6, but luckily the teacher rescued me fast. I think he was prepared for it.

I feel sorry for the teacher. He drove away right afterwards, and the wheel must have been drenched in clammy stressed out hand-sweat. Gross.
People, if you haven't had driving lessons yet, always remember to apply deoderant very liberally, as you will be sweating more than usual. Please remember to do this especially if you have to go driving at 8 in the morning and you have a full day of work and then lectures all the way to the evening.

When I stepped out of the car, my legs felt like rubber.

So if you find yourself in southern Finland within the next few weeks, please be on your toes and look out for a certain very nervous driver. Ugh.

09:28 - 1.10.2007 - comments {7} - post comment

More thinking-space and AIDA32!

Huzzah! I now have 3 gb of RAM! Whether it was smart to go all the way to 3 instead of sticking with 2, I have no idea! But it sounds bigger so I'm going to pretend it's better. I am quite pleased.

Installing the 2 gb went seamlessly. Just turned the power off, unplugged it, made sure I wasn't full of static electricity, and took out the old two 512 mb sticks and shoved in the brand-spanking new two 1 gb ones! Disturbingly enough, the old ones look more modern and fashionable than the new ones. I tested the 2 gigs, then turned it off and shoved in the two extra 512's!
This didn't go so well. The pc sort of whirred and then stopped, and I hastily turned it off again. The problem was easily solved - the RAM wasn't properly placed inside. So I got back down on my belly and re-attempted it, and mission successful!

Now then only problem is that I don't know if the memory is running at the correct speed... I romped about in my BIOS and tried to see but I actually didn't see an option for it - only one that told me how much RAM I have. Disturbing.

Once I gather the courage, I will hopefully attempt to upgrade the other pc that blew itself up yesterday. It's a bigger job, unfortunately. It's getting a new motherboard, which implies taking the whole damn thing completely apart, putting in the new motherboard with the new processor and new RAM and then putting the whole shebang back together and hoping I did it all right. It's not fun when it's not my own pc.. :(

I think I've made my mind up on what new graphics card to get. It's a schmexy Geforce 8800 GTS 640MB PCIe card by PNY. No, I don't think I'll go for the GTX version as my screen doesn't even allow me to go to high resolutions. As I recall, this motherboard isn't very compatible with Radeon stuff, so it's not even an option.

While romping about on the web, searching for useful tips about graphics cards and RAM, I accidentally stumbled over a recommendation for a program called Aida32. It tells you all sorts of stuff about your pc - even more than the dxdiag command does. I HIGHLY recommend it to people who want to know wtf they actually have inside their pc... especially hardwarewise.. And if it's all running properly, what the specs are, etc. You can download it here at Major Geeks.com. It's only 3mb and highly informative. It also comes with a memory benchmarking thingy, which I guess is good if you want to compare memory or brag or see if it could be improved or something....

02:44 - 30.9.2007 - comments {4} - post comment

What's eating me?

I just thought I ought to share with you the source of my current self-obsessive troubles.

Yes, it's sexy, I know. This is what my poor mole looked like the day it was removed. Or rather, the mole looked like the world's tiniest, roundest slug, curled up on a table surrounded by bloody pieces of cloth. Super-schmexy. I got the stitches out by now, which was a scary but wonderful moment. Finally, the annoying tugging and poking of the stitches was gone. Of course, later that same evening, I managed to rip it open by mistake and I was back to square 1.

So now I'm waiting for it to heal again. The normal, old-fashioned "I have a hole in my chest"-kind of way. It's a little more exciting than watching paint peel because it's interactive. I mean, ok, you can help the paint peel, but with a wound, you can disinfect it, put anti-bacterial lotion on it, bandaids or bandage, and finally some skin lotion that would usually be used on dry skin! Yeah! So much fun! You also get to follow the progress. Right now, the scab is trying its best to annoy me by jumping off and causing me to go back to step 2.

It's very annoying. It's nowhere near painful, but the constant presence is so hard to ignore. I also notice that I can't stretch like I could un-sliced. (Speaking of slicing, it was done with local anesthesia and a scalpel. No fancy freezing or acid or whatever for me!) My illusion of being able to move freely was what ripped the bastard open again in the first place. Grrr...

So if I seem a little more disgusted with myself than usual, it's probably from the exciting new hobby - scab-watching. Woooh! At least there's no mysterious white-blood-cell-related ooze around it anymore..

01:13 - 30.9.2007 - comments {7} - post comment